Recently, I was in conversation with a mother who was trying to decide her next steps in helping her child. She was overwhelmed with input from friends, family, schoolteachers, medical professionals, you name it, who each had something to say, and that something wasn’t always kind. Their advice ran the gamut and included things like starting medication immediately, trying essential oils, ramping up the discipline because the problem obviously was lax parenting, trying supplements, cleaning up the child’s diet, trying all kinds of dubious corporate interventions, and so forth. Had she chosen to follow all this advice, some of it would’ve been contradictory, some of it would’ve created new problems, some of it would’ve made things worse, and some of it might just have made a positive difference. But, how was she to know?
It was frustrating to observe. Parents will do practically anything to make life better for their children, but knowing which ideas are good, which are bad, and which are downright kooky can be challenging, especially when whatever the problem is happens to be a brand new idea to them. Here are a few ideas that I think might help.
Evaluate your sources. Not everyone who offers information or advice is equally reliable. Think of it a bit like writing a term paper. Journal articles are the gold standard (unless it’s sloppy or biased science, of course). Newspapers and other media sources can be good, but sites like Wikipedia are good only for basic familiarization and are not a reliable source of information—not necessarily wrong, but not consistently trustworthy. It’s helpful to evaluate one’s guidance in the same way. Ask yourself whether the person offering advice has specific expertise or a specific bias, whether they have extensive and hard-won experience or just an opinion, and whether they have the best interests of you or your teen in mind. And, context matters, too. For example, we think of doctors as the most reliable source, yet some doctors will tell you that parents of children with challenging diagnoses often know as much or more than many physicians, simply because the parent has made a mission out of helping the child.
Trust but verify. This old Cold War saying applies well here. Even when you believe that the source of advice is reliable and has shared sensible-sounding information, trust is good, but it’s still important to do your own due diligence rather than following semi-blindly. See what additional information you can find to confirm or call into question what you have been told.
Listen to your gut. Our society is so fact- and science-based that we tend to forget that our own intuition can guide us well. When you silence the fear and silence the voices in your head of everyone who has shared their version of help, what does your body tell you? Do you feel a rush of excitement about one or more options? Does your jaw clench or your stomach start to feel queasy? Whatever you feel in your body and whatever hunches you may have count in this equation.
Know your style. Some people like to come up with several good solutions and throw them all at the problem. Others prefer to try one thing at a time and see how it goes. Know this about yourself, because the problem you encounter may require multiple approaches (such as: changing routines and habits, adding in medications or supplements, bringing in tutors, etc.), or it may call for a slower, one-thing-at-a-time approach. Knowing how you prefer to deal with problems will help you feel less paralyzed in the face of advice that advocates the opposite of your tendencies.
Prioritize your options. All of us have budgets. Even if you can manage everything you want to do financially, your time budget may not allow for everything all at once. See if there is a way to shift your priorities so that you can address either the biggest issues related to your problem or the easiest issues to resolve first. So, for example, if you are having trouble sleeping, your overall options may include: no screen time before bed, room-darkening shades, dietary changes, meditation, a yoga class, counseling, a job coach or executive recruiter, neurofeedback (you knew I’d add it in somewhere!), HeartMath, supplements, a new apartment without those noisy neighbors, a trip to the doctor, prescription anti-anxiety meds or sleep aids, a new exercise routine, etc. …I think you get the idea. Knowing your personal style, your budget of time and money, your priorities and values, and which options you believe will bring you the best bang for your buck will help you narrow these things. So, in this example, let’s say you know you want to keep your apartment because it’s a short commute to work and priced right. You are then opened up to decide to speak with your neighbors, to purchase a white noise machine, and to move to the other bedroom in the apartment. If that doesn’t work, a whole decision tree of options can unfold from there.
These tips all sound unemotional and reasonable, and you likely already know these things-there’s no rocket science involved. The truth is, however, that our emotions can petrify us into not remembering the right next steps. They can also tell us that we’re not capable of making the right choices or that we ought to give away our power to make the right choices to some other person, professional or not. To paraphrase the advice of a good friend, it’s important to remember that there are no true emergencies here. It feels that way, but unless you should be calling 911, you really do have the time and wherewithal to step back, assess the situation, and decide what actions to take, if any.
I feel this advice applies to anyone who comes into my office for a consultation. I will give you my thoughts about whether I can be helpful, but it is up to you to decide whether doing brain training with me is the right choice at the right time for your needs.
