We all know, or think we know, solutions to the stress we feel in our lives. Most of the solutions are written about in pithy magazine articles or in click-bait postings such as “The Top Ten Tips for Stress Reduction.” You probably could recite many of them off the top of your head: get a good night’s sleep, eat right, go for a walk, reduce your caffeine intake, talk your troubles over with a friend, have a glass of red wine, light some candles and take a bubble bath, go to the gym, drink more water, have a massage.

These are worthy pursuits, and most people will find that at least one or two of these techniques offer brief, almost immediate respite from the day’s troubles. But, few of us actually do what these articles tell us to do. How many stressed-out people really make a habit of getting a decent amount of sleep the majority of the time? How many get the recommended number of fruits and veggies more often than not? How many exercise on a regular basis?

Part of the reason we don’t do these things is that the so-called solutions feel like luxuries. We’re too busy to try them, because we’ve structured our lives in ways that deprive us of the precious minutes we need to restore and rejuvenate ourselves. Another reason we don’t implement these ideas is that we’re not that good about creating new habits. It takes a lot of commitment to go to bed an hour or two earlier, no matter what a chipper author has to say on the matter. But, perhaps, the biggest and most significant reason we don’t consistently do the recommended things to reduce our stress levels is that we know those efforts are only temporary, half measures that get at the symptoms of stress rather than meaningful steps to get at the root causes of stress. What’s the point of spending time and money on something that doesn’t give long-term relief?

The truth is, we’d be much more likely to scrimp and save time and money to get that monthly massage if our stress levels were manageable and we were doing it because we knew it was a healthy way to maintain our body rather than coming at it as a desperate way to grab a few moments of relief in an otherwise overwhelming life. We’d be more likely to take steps to create new habits in our lives if the change was worth the effort, and we know deep down inside that however worthy the goal of a good night’s sleep might be for our health, sleep alone won’t solve our stress.

We have it backwards. Those stress reduction tips are important to maintain a healthy lifestyle, yes, but we’re much more likely to take good care of ourselves when we’re not overwhelmed with stress. Good habits are the outcome of reducing our stress, not the main path to reduced stress.

This is not to suggest that we give up and stop our healthy habits, just because they aren’t a stand-alone, long-lasting way to reduce stress. By all means, eat your fruits and veggies, move your body, and rest well. Maintain your good habits. It’s folly to do otherwise. However, it’s time to tell yourself the truth about the causes of stress and their long-term resolution in our lives. Reducing stress is different and simpler than we generally realize, and in the next few posts will explore some ways to achieve this.

One of the things I hear most often about neurofeedback is the concern that by working with the brain, we may somehow be changing an individual’s personality—or core self—and harming their cognitive skills. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Neurofeedback is a teaching tool. It rewards the brain for making gentle changes in the same way we are rewarded with satisfaction when teaching ourselves a new skill. Think of the changes that neurofeedback initiates as being similar to the changes to the brain you’d make if you were trying to learn a new language. The only difference is that instead of remembering colors or numbers, your body is remembering new patterns of response to life.

Your core self isn’t damaged. In fact, many people notice that their best selves come out when they undertake brain training; feeling better often leads to being better, being more at ease and able to focus and engage the world. It makes sense when you think about it. When you’re better rested and less stressed, you’re more likely to be patient with people in your life rather than snapping at them, you’re more likely to get things done in a timely manner rather than missing or being coerced into meeting deadlines, you’re more likely to get pleasant responses from people when you yourself feel pleasant. When you are calmer and more focused, you may even perform better in school—there have even been studies showing an increase in IQ that came from neurofeedback training.

The bottom line is that many people are intimidated by neuroscience, but each of us consciously and unconsciously changes our own brains every day as a result of how we choose to spend our time. Making the choice to spend time on teaching ourselves how to be better selves suddenly doesn’t sound all that intimidating.