Articles about self-care are all the rage these days—a Google search on the term results in 1.8 billion hits. Yet many of these articles are shallow click-bait that fail to point out that true self-care is a matter of treating yourself like you matter and living in congruence with the values that matter to you. So, I’d like to address a few of the misconceptions about self-care.

Self-Care is Not Self Indulgence. There’s nothing wrong with having dessert or taking a bubble bath, but these things alone do not constitute self-care.  Similarly, what we jokingly refer to as retail therapy may feel good, but it is not true self-care, either. Treat yourself from time-to-time, but don’t think that that’s all there is to being good to yourself.

Self-Care is not Self-Numbing.  Deciding that you’ve had a hard day and deserve to eat half a pan of brownies or drink half a bottle of wine may help you stuff all the emotions of the day, but keeping yourself from experiencing hard feelings and letting them pass is not a healthy long-term approach to taking care of yourself.

Self-Care is Not Self Abuse. This one sounds like it should be obvious, abuse does not equal love, but it’s amazing how many people I know who think that driving themselves as if they’re in boot camp for every aspect of their life is not self-care.   There is a balance between having goals and flogging yourself.

Self-care is not a synonym for self-improvement or perfectionism.  Life is more than one long exercise in fixing all your inadequacies and flaws.  It’s one thing to have goals and want to change things or learn something new, but thinking that you must do this to be good enough is playing with low self-esteem, not self-care.

Does this confuse you now about what true self-care looks like?  True self-care isn’t hard.  I can teach you how to build a lifestyle around self-care if you want to call and set an appointment. But, one good model for putting yourself on the path to true self-care is thinking about and copying the way a loving mother or father cares for a toddler.  A good parent, most of the time (remember, perfectionism also is NOT self care):

• Sets bedtime and nap routines, because sleep is important. She also makes sure the toddler has down time just to play and be.
• Makes sure the toddler gets fresh air, walks, and ample time to play at the park. Moms know that play and being in nature are vital for healthy kids.
• Provides a healthy diet. Processed foods are only an occasional a treat for a toddler. Their healthy diet consists of whole, fresh food (yeah, sometimes to toddler protests, but mom persists!).
• Watches to ensure life is lived in moderation. Parents limit things like screen time.
• Teaches good social habits. Moms make sure values like sharing, manners, and kindness are learned and lived. Moms may also, depending upon their beliefs and values, teach spiritual and religious habits.
• Demonstrates love and affection. A loved toddler gets kisses, hugs, and snuggles. There is no doubt in that child’s mind that her parents love her.

Can you imagine what life would be like if each of us treated ourselves as a loving parent would treat us? Can you imagine having boundaries that are firm, routines that can sometimes be bent (it’s a great day—let’s skip the chores and go for a walk!), values that are lived and not just thought, and habits that enrich our bodies, minds, and spirits? If it interests you, try playing the game of imagining yourself as your own best parent, and see what unfolds.